I Broke Our Suicide Pact and You Died Alone

An apology

Juliette Roanoke
10 min readJun 22, 2021


photo By Hayley

We’re all human. Oh, we all do our duty when there’s no cost to it. Honor comes easy then. Yet sooner or later in every man’s life there comes a day when it is not easy, a day when he must choose. — Master Aemon Targaryen

When I first read those words, three weeks had already passed since you placed them on your Facebook wall. I immediately called your cell; It was dead. I rang your burner; you didn’t pick up. I texted again; you didn’t respond.

How had so much time passed without me noticing a difference in the air? Regardless, it took only the shortest sliver of a second to sink in, and I knew.

You were gone for good. And, beyond that, I broke our pact and let you die alone.

My stomach fell below the core of this very planet as I searched my phone history and saw what I already knew was there: a missed call from you, dated November 22nd at 2202. At that time, I was on the line with someone who deserved exactly none of my time while you deserved all of it, and yet, I didn’t answer.

The events of that evening in November rapidly returned to my mind, and the sickening truth is, I remembered seeing your name and your face on my screen. I, however, was caught up in my usual self-absorbed, cyclical bull shit. I remember deciding to call you later, but I prioritized other things.

As I read your ominous post again, it occurred to me, though I don’t know why it was the first time — we had no mutual friends I could call to ask about you. I had my reasons for avoiding your crowd. In fact, I even avoided you most of the time, at least in person.

Our real-world adventures were sparse, but they served as invaluable little breaks from our respective realities. I learned simply knowing there is a refuge, even if you can’t visit often, is a beautiful thing.

Do you remember when we met at an office supply store and lost all our time sampling every color and thickness of pen — 0.5 for me and 0.3 for you; you were always more precise. But then your cousin called. She didn’t believe you were “just at Staples with a friend.”



Juliette Roanoke

Social justice seeker | Silver lining finder | Domestic violence escapee | Critical Care and Hospice Nurse | Mother | Surprisingly Fast Runner.